Is it Me or something else??

Lately, for the past few days, I've been feeling extremely awkward. Terrible mood swings is probably the right way to put it. Usually the mornings are extremely nice. I'm in a good mood all day long, joking around with everyone. No matter what jokes a person passes, it never used to hurt however morbid they would be. I used to enjoy making fun of myself and others every now and then.

Nothing around me has changed. Life is the same as it used to be. On the contrary there are a couple of extremely good events which have taken place which should have made me feel good.

But for past 10 days things are extremely unpleasant. Mornings are extremely dull to the extent that I don't feel good about myself. I have been avoiding any communication with my folks just so that they don't get upset. Don't want to discuss this with them either as they are dealing with larger issues. Another reason is that I might say something unpleasant which might hurt them, the last thing I'd want to do. So I chose to stay away from them till the time this phase passes by.

Friends are the best help in such situations is what I've experienced in the past. But this time its different. The jokes are not funny any more. There are these silent pauses with friends which sometimes extend for a few minutes. There are absolutely no thoughts in the mind to speak of. It is completely numb. Another reason for the silence being not to sour relations by saying something which the person might not like. I try to crack jokes but it just doesn't happen. Earlier jokes along the same lines would carry on for long but now would wither away in no time as they didn't feel humoured at all.

Better option is to go back home (the thought of which gives shivers) instead of spoiling the other persons mood. Get online and chat with buddies who might make me feel good. But except for a couple of buddies, it felt as if everyone else is just bugging me. I tried to maintain my composure to the maximum possible extent but it had to snap if anyone would rub it in. And one day it happened. Shooed away a friend just because I felt he was bugging me. I felt bad about it but not sorry. Proper warnings were put in place which were ignored. Even worse was that I started getting scared of talking to some of them, the same friends with whom I used to have loads of fun. Except a couple of friends no one else could make me smile. The worst time was a weekend after which I really thanked God for not letting one of my best buddies to be online else even I don't know what would've happened. But to my surprise it was not just me. Quite a few people were feeling the same that weekend.

The most important thing to do was to find the reason for this feeling. I haven't found one as yet. The more I think of it the more mystifying it gets. I try to stop thinking about it but it doesn't help for the simple reason being that there is no reason for such a feeling.

I've never believed in Astrology. But the other day one of my buddy referred me to a phenomenon called Mercury Retrograde. Due to lack of belief in it I didn't read much into it but the effects mentioned were quite similar to the events occurring. I still would categorise myself as a non-believer but I did find it interesting. Another thing that intrigued me was that I found people having the same dull and lonely feeling, were all Cancerians. It could be sheer co-incidence or the effects of a celestial event.

Its getting better though. I am coming back to my normal self, which apparently is a good feeling. But still subtle traces still remain viz. being scared to talk to a few people. One good thing which has come out of this is that I've come to know who has the ability to judge my mood and have the capability to adapt accordingly. Maybe I'm wrong here....I wish I was, but this is what I feel.

I thank my friends who made me smile in this tough phase, even if it was for a second. I really appreciate it and would never forget this kind gesture. If I have hurt anyone during this phase, I'm really sorry for it and my apologies for being a jerk. But I really wasn't myself. Hope you understand.